All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.