Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
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If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑