PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
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Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse