I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
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HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true