Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
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[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Bringing home a sharpie
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.