I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Happy Caturday!
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?