When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
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Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”