HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
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I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Coffee for people with no kids
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
put ‘er there pardner!
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.