I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
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“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not