“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me