🙀🙀🙀😹
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face