ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I am having an out of money experience.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space