first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
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*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up