4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?