If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
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My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Dune (2021)
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now