2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
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coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
my mind
You just read my mind
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie