“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
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I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.