As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
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“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
The photographer’s assistant
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…