girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
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My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
My background check bounced.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.