Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
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My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]