Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
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what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?