Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
You Might Also Like
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars