6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
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Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
That’s incredible! 👌
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
dam girl
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.