When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
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Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to