I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
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Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
🤣🤣
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.