My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
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Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.