can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
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All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.