Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Sorry not sorry.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
But I really needed water water water
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”