Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
When you let grandma cat sit
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”