So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
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*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.