I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
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Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Potatoes were such a good idea
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I am a gravy boat captain
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)