My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
You Might Also Like
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Dietest Coke
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat