Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
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[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Breaking news:
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.