God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
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Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I’m crying im so happy for them
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I hope this email finds you in a well
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺