If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
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Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.