Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
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-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
calling in to work dehydrated
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
May have had one breakfast too many
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.