sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
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It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
do what now??
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
and now we wait
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
my dad has had enough
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”