If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?