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Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
A game married people play.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
🤣🤣💀
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.