Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
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I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
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I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.