Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
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why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
describing stardew valley
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor