My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
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You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”