Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”