date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
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without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29