Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
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Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
There is no try. There is only give up.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.