I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
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Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.