I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
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*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”