I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
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The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them