I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
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3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…