Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
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Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
We have a winner.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me